Advent 2015: Christ - the great I AM

“And she gave birth to her firstborn son, and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.”  Luke 2:7

“I AM Who I AM.”  Exodus 3:14

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God.  All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.  In Him was life….”  John 1:1-4

Every time a baby is born, there is a wealth of promise wrapped up in that little one.  I can remember thinking as I held each of mine, “What will you become?  What talents and gifts has God given you?  What unique interests, ideas, and idiosyncrasies will you bring into our family?  How will you change us?  How will God use you to change the world?”  Very few of us are given insight into any of these questions as we hold that new member of the human race, the one we’ve been blessed to raise.  But each of the Nativity characters we’ve looked at so far was given at least one tiny bit of insight into Who Jesus was, would be, and how He would change the world:

• the magi knew Him to be “the King of the Jews”
• the shepherds knew Him to be “Savior….Christ the Lord”
• Joseph knew Him to be “Jesus” Who would “save His people from their sins”
• Mary knew Him to be “Son of the Most High”

Each of them was given a message about Jesus, and each had to make sacrifices, stepping out in faith to more fully understand the word God had given them:

• the magi had to leave behind their own culture, their comforts, and their home to travel many miles, following the leading of a star.  While this was an amazing star, they had a choice in whether to stay where they were and study the star, or leave and follow where it lead.  Had they not left, they never would have seen the Child; never would have had the opportunity to worship Him; never would have been able to bless Mary and Joseph with their costly - and timely - gifts: many believe these helped finance the family’s hurried trip to Egypt.  The magi’s step of faith was grounded in their Hope of finding the newborn King, and provided a means of Hope for a young family sent on a long, hard journey.
• the shepherds had to leave behind their flocks (you can’t “come in a hurry” with a bunch of sheep), their fear, and their doubts to travel a short distance, following the words of an angel.  And as I heard in our sermon last Sunday, getting a word from an angel doesn’t guarantee you will automatically believe - look at Zacharias (Luke 1:11-20) and Sarah (Genesis 18:9-14).  Make no mistake - the shepherds still had a choice when the angels went away into heaven, and they chose to go to Bethlehem, believing God to be the One Who “has made known to us” the birth of the Savior.  Had they not gone, they would not have been the first witnesses, both of the Christ Child and to His parents, giving others much to wonder over, and Mary much to ponder and treasure.  The shepherds’ step of faith was grounded in their Love of God and His faithfulness, and deepened others’ Love of God as they heard of His amazing plan.
• Joseph had to leave behind his expectations, his reputation, his dreams, his desires, and his home to travel physically to Bethlehem, then Egypt, and finally back to Nazareth.  And though those were demanding, difficult trips, they wouldn’t hold a candle to the spiritual journey Joseph must have made as he considered what it meant that he’d been asked to raise the Son of God.  By choosing to take Mary as his wife, he took on the mantle of responsibility for the upbringing of the One Who would save His people from their sins - I am certain that had to be a scary prospect, particularly at the outset.  But had he not agreed to become Jesus’ foster father, he would never have experienced the wealth of lessons God had for him through the years, nor been the example he is to us today.  Joseph’s step of faith resulted in Joy unimaginable, and reminds us how our steps of faith also lead to Joy in the Lord.
• Mary had to leave behind many of the same things Joseph did, but she also had to leave behind the usual joy found at the announcement of a pregnancy, the comfort of family, and  companionship - at least for a time.  Despite Elizabeth’s elation at Mary’s news, when Mary returned home, she had to face those who were not willing to accept what she said.  I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to have to face her village, her family, and her husband with the unbelievable news that she was pregnant but had not sinned.  For a time, all she had to cling to was God and His promise spoken through the angel.  But had she not agreed to become the mother of Jesus, she would never have understood the depths of Peace that come through obedience and how that Peace can carry you through the hardest of life’s storms.  Mary’s step of faith resulted in Peace that passes all understanding, and reminds us that our unchanging God gives us that same Peace today when we choose to obey Him.

Today’s Advent candle is the Christ candle, placed directly in the center of the Advent wreath.  Its centrality is a reminder that Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace are all part of Who Christ is. His “I am” statements, spoken many years after the events of the Nativity, not only point to specific aspects of His character, but act as reminders of His relationship with the Father - and with us.  God first said, “I AM Who I AM”; Christ - wholly man and wholly God - came to elucidate that statement.  Jesus understood then, as He understands now, our ability to take in difficult lessons through metaphor, using common items to explain deep concepts.  While we have the luxury of hindsight, our Nativity characters would have been living in the moment as they made choices and took steps of faith.  Some may never even have heard any of the “I am” statements of Jesus, but I like to think that each of these individuals would have understood those statements long before He spoke them:

• to the magi, who needed the light of a star to find the Light of the world, Jesus’ statement of “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness but will have the Light of life” would have been perfectly clear.
• to the shepherds, whose entire job relied on their sheep knowing and trusting them, Jesus’ statement of “I am the good Shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me” would have been a no brainer.
• to Joseph, who sacrificed so much to become Jesus’ foster father, Jesus’ statement of “I am the Good Shepherd; the Good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep” would have been no surprise.
• to Mary, whose reliance on God and His word was all she had for a time, Jesus’ statement of “I am the True Vine” would have been a known truth.

These characters understood Jesus as the Source; they understood Him as the fountain from which flows Hope, Love, Joy, Peace, Light, Trust, Sacrifice, and Life.  Their lives, while filled with exemplary lessons for us, point to the only One who continues to be the Source today.  “I am” is present tense - the Truths contained in all those statements is a fresh and relevant today as it was when it was first spoken.  And unlike our Nativity characters, we can take broader, stronger steps of faith because our Source remains “I AM.”

Gracious Father, as we complete this Advent season, may we remember Christ’s centrality in all things.  May we live our day-in, day-out moments in light of the truth of His “I am” statements.  May we always remember that when we stand in darkness, You have sent the Light of Hope; when we cry helplessly in our sin and loneliness, You have sent the Voice of Love; when despair overwhelms us, You have sent the Sacrifice of Joy; and when we are filled with confusion and doubt, You have sent the Vine of Peace.  May our steps of faith be stronger, broader, and firmer this year because of You.

With a heart full of Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace, because of the great I AM,

Sherri

Advent 2015: Mary's Peace

“And Mary said: ‘My soul exalts the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.’”  Luke 1:46-47

“I am the True Vine….”  John 15:1

 

Change.  It’s inevitable.  I have often hated that.  It seems as if just as soon as I get comfortable with something, it changes.  But God often uses change to bring about His purposes; and even more often, He uses unexpected change to bring us to a place of seeing how marvelous His sovereignty is in all our circumstances.  Mary could preach a sermon on that.

Mary was, by all accounts, an average teenager in her day.  She likely had her friends and her chores; she had recently been betrothed.  Life was following the normal, expected route for a Jewish young woman in her time and culture.  Generally speaking, life appears to have been pretty comfortable for Mary.  Then, God sent an angel to disrupt her routine - to change the expectations she had for the direction her life was headed.  The angel told her that she had been chosen to become pregnant with God’s Son.  And while he gave her plenty of comfort, he didn’t say a word about Joseph; he didn’t say a word about her parents; he didn’t say a word about her village.  Mary had no idea if Joseph would accept her or this turn of events; she had no idea what her parents would say; she had no idea how her village would respond to her news.  So although she was willing to surrender to God’s Will, she had no word from the angel about specifically what that Will would mean for her in the near (or distant) future.  

When I was in high school, unwed pregnant teens were shunned; they were whispered and gossiped about; they were pointed to as examples of what happens when you don’t wait for sex until you were married.  They became pariahs, losing everything.  I can’t imagine that things were that different in Mary’s day - if anything, they were probably worse.  So I can only imagine how, once the angel left, Mary may have begun to question several things: “Did that really just happen?  Did the angel really just say I am going to be pregnant, and with God’s Son?  What does that mean?  How will I tell my parents?  What will I say to Joseph??  What if none of them believes me?  What have I done by saying ‘yes’ to this?”  Everything Mary knew about her life had changed in an instant - and while she surely trusted God, I can’t help but believe that there were moments when things were also scary for her.  But God, in His wisdom and sovereignty, had provided for her even in this.

Luke 1:39 says, “At that time, Mary arose and went in a hurry to the hill country, to a city of Judah.”  In the Greek, “at that time” literally means, “day.”  So, as soon as the angel left, that same day, Mary left to go visit Elizabeth.  This was a trip of 80-100 miles, and would have taken her three to five days depending on how she traveled (although we do know she hurried!).  The angel, as part of his words to comfort Mary, had said that her cousin Elizabeth was also pregnant, even though pregnancy was thought to be an impossibility for Elizabeth.  Mary saw in Elizabeth a kindred spirit - one with whom she could talk candidly and in whom she could find complete understanding.  And Elizabeth didn’t let her down.

The Bible says that when Mary entered the house, calling out to Elizabeth, “[Elizabeth’s] babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.” (v. 41).  Mary had not told her about the angel’s visit yet, but Elizabeth, through the Holy Spirit, immediately recognized that Mary was pregnant with God’s Son.  And after Elizabeth’s words of greeting and recognition, Mary began her wonderful song of praise: “My soul exalts the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God, my Savior.”  No matter what anxiety she may have felt, Elizabeth’s words gave Mary the comfort and confirmation she needed, and her song is not only one of joy, but one of peace.

Today’s Advent candle represents Peace.  Mary shows us that peace is a state we can live in even when we don’t have all our T’s crossed or I’s dotted.  Elizabeth’s words were undoubtedly comforting to Mary; they definitely gave her confirmation that what she’d heard was true.  But none of that answered the question of what to tell her parents; what to say to Joseph; how she would be accepted in her village.  Yet her song continues with, “For the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is His name” (v. 49).  Here she was, a young woman who was definitely pregnant, definitely a virgin, and definitely betrothed.  But even with all the unanswered questions, Mary put her trust completely in God, recognizing Him as the True Vine, and abiding in Him.  She rested in His peace, even going so far as to say He had “done great things” for her!  She trusted that He would take care of her, no matter what happened.  And it was because of that deep trust that she was able to stand in Peace in the days ahead, resting in the providence of the True Vine.  Because, as we know, those days ahead weren’t easy.

I love how God always has a plan, even when we can’t see it.  Elizabeth and Zachariah waited for years for a child; but God knew exactly the right time for that pregnancy to take place.  Mary, in surrendering to God’s call on her life, went from “betrothed to a righteous man” to “unwed teen” in a heartbeat; but God knew “the plans [He had] for [her]...plans for welfare and not for calamity to give [her] a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).  All it took was abiding in that Vine, trusting His sovereignty, to experience the Peace that only He can give.

Father, too often I fight against change - any change!  You are always good, and You always have my best in mind.  I know that - but I don’t always live like I do.  Remind me that, while I may not hear about impending changes from an angel, You are never surprised by anything that comes into my life.  Give me the strength to abide in You no matter how things look, no matter what people say, and to step out in faith, trusting You when I hear You call.  Thank you for Mary - may I experience the same Peace as I follow You.

Thankful that while things around me change, You never do,

Sherri

Advent 2015: Joseph's Joy

“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit.  And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly.”  Matthew 1:18-19

“I am the Good Shepherd; the Good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” John 10:11

Their eyes met across a crowded market stall, and locked.  In that moment, true love was born.

Or not.

Very little is known about Joseph.  I’ve always been a bit disappointed by that.  I have always had such a marvelous relationship with my dad that I have wanted to know a whole lot more about Jesus’ earthly father: how old was he?  How long had he known Mary?  Did they grow up together, or had he moved to town recently, possibly from Bethlehem since he was “of the house and lineage of David”?  Did he approach Mary’s father about the betrothal, or did his father approach Mary’s father about it, as would have been more traditional?  How long had they been betrothed before Mary became pregnant?  These aren’t just my questions - scholars have tried to answer these questions for years.  But the Bible doesn’t answer any of them.  Here’s what we do know:

• In Jewish culture at that time, a betrothal was the first stage of marriage, usually lasting a year before the wedding night.  It was much more legal than our modern form of engagement, and would have required a divorce to legally and officially end the relationship.  Even though the couple did not live together, it was still considered a part of the marriage, and the couple were considered husband and wife.
• The word “righteous” used to describe Joseph is the Greek word “dikaios” (dee-ki-yos), and means “upright, virtuous, just, right; equitable in character or act; rendering to each his due and in a judicial sense, passing judgment on others, whether expressed in words or shown by manner of dealing with them; keeping the commands of God; used of him whose way of thinking, feeling, and acting is wholly conformed to the will of God, and who therefore needs no rectification in the heart or life; approved of or acceptable of God”
• The word “disgrace” in the Greek means “make a show, make an example of, to show as an example; to exhibit”
• The word “planned” in the Greek means “to will deliberately, have a purpose; to intend”

In reading these definitions, we gain a much clearer picture of what Joseph was like.  Here was a man who knew God’s Word - you can’t “keep the commands of God” without knowing what they are.  He was a thinker - you can’t “will deliberately” and with purpose without thinking.  He had a finely honed sense of justice based on God’s Word - he looked at others and judged them fairly, using God’s scales to give each one what was owed.  Because he was “wholly conformed to God’s will,” everything he thought, everything he felt, everything he did was first passed before God’s filter to be sure it was something that honored his Heavenly Father.  This was a man who lived carefully and deliberately, putting God first in all things.  No wonder he was “approved of or acceptable of God.”  He is a man any woman would be proud to call “husband.”  And he had just discovered that his betrothed, his wife, was pregnant - and he was definitely not the father.

Whether he loved Mary or not, Joseph had a deep sense of rightness based on God’s laws.  As Mary’s betrothed, he knew that he could have her stoned for what he, and others, surely thought of as her betrayal of him.  “She’s pregnant?  As my betrothed??”  Nothing would make a man see red faster than to believe that the woman he called “wife” had betrayed him sexually with another man.  Yet Joseph’s ability to have her stoned did not prevent him from thinking carefully about what should be done - Matthew 1:20 says, “But when he had considered this…”  The word “considered” here means “ponder, revolve in the mind” - he carefully turned over in his mind the fact of Mary’s pregnancy, and his options as her betrothed: stone her, marry her, divorce her.  Each carried risks.  Deciding to divorce her quietly was not a snap decision, and it is here that we see most clearly why he was chosen to be Jesus’ earthly father.

Joseph wanted to spare Mary regardless of what he believed she had done.  Even in his decision to divorce her, he planned to do so “quietly,” not making an exhibition of her or using her as an example before the rest of the community.  His heart mirrored that of his Heavenly Father Who was already working to bring His mercy down to man instead of His lawful revenge.  No matter how betrayed Joseph felt, no matter how much he may have wanted revenge for the hurt she must have initially caused him, no matter how afraid he was, his desire for giving her mercy came first.  And then God sent His angel to give Joseph the inside scoop - to let him in on the secret Mary already knew: that Baby was God-ordained.  Mary hadn’t sinned, and Joseph didn’t need to be afraid to take her as his wife.

Today’s Advent candle represents Joy, and Joseph is a great example of the joy God places in our hearts when we choose to listen to and follow Him.  Upon realizing that his betrothed was a virgin, that she had been true to him, and moreover was chosen by God to bear His Son, Joseph’s joy propelled him to jump out of bed and go get Mary!  Verse 20 says that Joseph, “awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son….”  The connotation of the word “took” is “immediately” - Joseph didn’t need more confirmation.  His joy knew no bounds, and he made sure Mary knew that she was heard, believed, and supported.  No matter what kind of scorn they may have had to endure over the next few weeks or months before leaving for Bethlehem, they shared the joy of knowing they were to parent Immanuel, “God with us.”  Joseph’s thoughtful presence and his steadfast attitude bring to mind Hebrews 12:2 in which the writer says of Jesus, “...Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Joseph, who was surely familiar with enduring shame, was also one of the first to experience the Joy of the Father a few months later in a stable in Bethlehem. Joseph would have completely understood what the writer in Hebrews was talking about: his heart tasted the sweet fruit of joy that comes as a result of choosing sacrificial obedience.

Before the angel spoke to Joseph, he was willing to sacrifice his rights before the Law in order to give Mary life.  After his conversation with the angel, he was willing to sacrifice his reputation within the community to give Mary protection.  How like our Savior!  He came to sacrifice His rights before the Law to give us life; He was willing to sacrifice His reputation within the community to give us protection.  Like this Good Shepherd, Joseph “laid down his life” in taking Mary as his wife, sacrificing his original dreams and expectations for the dreams and expectations of God.  Indeed, “the hopes and dreams of all the years” were met in that little town of Bethlehem on that night!  

Heavenly Father, thank You for choosing such a solid man as a father to Your Son here on earth!  Thank You for giving Mary such a man as her husband - one who was willing to listen to You and sacrifice whatever was necessary in order to obey You.  Although Jesus was completely God, the completely human part of Him needed an earthly father who understood sacrifice so that he could teach Jesus, even from an early age, about sacrificial obedience and the joy that comes as a result.  Praise You for choosing so well!  May I listen as carefully as Joseph, and may I be as willing to sacrifice my dreams and expectations for Yours, tasting the sweet fruit of Joy as a result!”

In Joyful Expectation,

Sherri

Pulling the Plug on Radiation

We met with the radiation doc in Albuquerque last Monday (11/30).  She was unable to give any sort of guarantee that her machine could reduce the damage to my lung - she was clear that although the machine is more specific, the areas they are talking about hitting make missing my lung impossible, and because of where they're shooting, it's unlikely that her machine will be able to reduce the damage.  She walked in the door talking about a risk/benefit analysis, which was funny-cool to me since that's all I've been doing since the abscess came about.

As you know, I had made peace with radiation - although it still scared me to death, I'd surrendered it and asked God to give me peace about it.  But when the abscess happened, everyone - doctors and nurses - were surprised that it had happened at that point.  Abscesses after surgery are apparently not uncommon, but having them a month after surgery is apparently very uncommon.  So that week of recovery after the abscess surgery, I began my typical, "What are you up to here, God?  Didn't I just surrender the radiation to You?  My first appointment was to be this week.  I'm trying to be obedient here, so why this weird, untimely setback?  What is Your purpose in this?"  I was confused and more than a little frustrated - I'd surrendered my fear at having radiation, believing it was just the next step in my treatment, and that I needed to trust God in and through it like I had through all the rest.  The amount of time they were telling me it would take for the abscess to heal made it clear that the radiation schedule was going to be completely messed up - and I had lined up all my ducks so beautifully!  So I used the healing time to pray and read up even more on radiation.   

The more I've read about radiation, the less convinced I have become that the benefits outweigh the risks in my case.  I scheduled the consultation to hear what the doc had to say since she was supposed to be able to greatly reduce the damage to my lung.  In the interim, I've also been thinking about the "what ifs" -

• what if we waited until late spring or summer to do radiation? Since they said that if I missed one session we'd just tack it on the end, does it have to be done now?
• what if her machine isn't able to do any better than the machine in Santa Fe?  What do we do then?
• what if there is more damage - thyroid, bones, etc. - than just my lungs? 
• what if the abscess was God's way of slowing all this down because radiation wasn't part of His plan for me?

I asked the doc in Albuquerque about several of these:

• Doing radiation in the spring/summer is not something she would do - she said that radiation really needs to be done within 16 weeks of your broad-spectrum chemo or lumpectomy surgery (she said one or the other, but for the life of me I can't remember which).  She asked for dates of both, and when we told her those dates, you could see the wheels turning - I am already past 16 weeks since I completed my broad spectrum chemo, and the end of December will be 16 weeks after my lumpectomy surgery.  Wound Care does not expect my wound to be healed by then, and the radiation doc agreed that the wound should be healed before radiation begins.  She said that doing radiation after 16 weeks does not have any better success rate than not having radiation at all.  She said that if you don't have radiation, your risk of the cancer returning is 30%; if you have radiation, your risk drops to below 10%.  But it was clear to her that my wound may take the decision out of my hands. 
• She made it clear that it's not likely that her machine can do better than the machine in Santa Fe, and seemed surprised that we'd be willing to travel daily to Albuquerque for treatment.  She made it clear that the main reason for doing radiation at all was "standard of care" based on studies, some of which she said were very old.  She said that the newer chemo drugs are amazing, and there is no data about patients who have used those (as I have) and/or who have had 100% response to the drugs (as I have).  Because of how she was presenting this, Steve mentioned that it almost sounded as if she was saying that radiation was becoming obsolete, and she agreed that one day it might be.  She, like the Santa Fe doc, seemed at a loss as to what to do with me due to the unusualness of my case, other than follow standard of care, while admitting that the standard of care might not be the most applicable for me.
• She couldn't guarantee that there wouldn't be more damage - these are the risks you take when you take radiation in the areas they are suggesting I take it (from my sternum over to under my arm on the affected side, and from my neck down to below my breast on the affected side).  There are accepted parameters that they use to determine the percentages of radiation an area of the body should have, and she said she would work to keep the radiation within those parameters, but that didn't mean I wouldn't have these other issues.  And she was not sure that her machine could keep my radiation dosage in the accepted parameters any better than the machine in Santa Fe.

So, as we left Albuquerque, Steve and I talked about whether or not God might be trying to say that radiation wasn't part of His plan for me.  After much prayer, we believe that is what He's saying, and we are not going to do radiation.  I have a deep peace about this - I believe that God has healed me, and while I expect the docs are going to argue that radiation is necessary and standard of care (particularly to reduce the risk of the cancer returning), I believe that God has had a purpose in my having cancer and He has used, and will continue to use, it for His glory.  One of the drugs that has worked so well for me was only developed five years ago.  I can only imagine the kinds of advances that will come about in the next 5 to 10 to 20 years.  If God chooses to allow cancer to come back, He will have a purpose for it then too, and He will care for me just as faithfully then as He has now.  While I know that He could also have cared for me if I'd had the radiation and a damaged lung as a result, I believe strongly that He is telling me that radiation is not part of His plan for me now.  If the cancer comes back that answer could change, but for this go round, we are pulling the plug on radiation.

Thank you all for your prayers, support, and offers of rides - even when those rides were likely to be to Albuquerque through the snow!  One person even said they enjoy driving in inclement weather!!  I've had a few joking offers of dog sleds too, but I won't need any of those now.  I will continue going to Wound Care every week in Santa Fe until the wound heals, as well as having the targeted chemo here in Los Alamos every three weeks through April.  And when April comes, I'll be the one screaming from the rooftops that I am finally done!!

For now, I thought you might like to see how things have changed - and stayed the same - with my hair.  This is a picture of me the first time I was bald:

This was taken at 6 months.  And you know that that child finally got hair - although Mom tells me I was 2 before it was truly noticeable!!  People thought I was a boy unless she put me in pink - who knew I'd be wearing and seeing lots more pink when I grew up, but for a completely different reason!

I have been a bit afraid that it might take two years for my hair to grow in this time too.  But here are pictures taken this past Tuesday in my classroom when I was finally able to take off my hat at school.  I now have enough hair that I stay warm most days in the building:

 

Although it looks mostly brown in the pictures, it has some reddish tints, a tiny bit of blonde, and of course, white :).  As you can see, I'm wearing a ribbon around my head, and I'm doing it for the same reason Mom would put me in pink all those years ago - I want it to be clear that I'm a girl :)!  So far, I've worn either a ribbon or beaded headband.  It sometimes feels a little silly, but running around having so little hair also feels a little silly sometimes.  Given how little hair I still have (or don't have as the case may be), the ribbons and headbands really show up, which may be why I've gotten lots of compliments on them, even though I've had and worn them for years :D!  I'm still wearing a cap at night to keep my ears warm, and I can't wait until there is enough hair to cover my ears and neck - the scarf helps with that during the day.  I still don't have enough eyelashes to begin wearing my make-up yet.  I guess that is one more way God is taking care of me - that also means I still get about 30 min. more sleep each morning :).  But this morning I learned that although my hair is still too short to style, it is long enough to begin to have a mind of its own.  When I took off my sleeping cap this morning to get dressed, I had a mini mohawk!  I had to wet down my hair really well, then let it dry naturally before putting on the hat I'd wear out the door.  So I'll have to figure out how much time I'm going to need for "hair" in the morning, even if I'm not yet needing time for "hair and make-up."

Here's the last picture.  This was taken almost a month ago when I was getting ready to start radiation (so, before the abscess):

 

You can see that my hair was just beginning to come back, but what I really wanted you to see was this beautiful robe.  My wonderful mom made this for me.  I had mentioned after the radiation simulation that there was a lady there who had on a beautiful robe, and they had told me at the radiation center that although they'd given me a plain robe to wear, I could wear any robe I liked.  Mom then went and bought this fabulous fabric and made this robe.  The blue has butterflies and pink ribbons on it; the pink has flowers and butterflies on it.  I love that the sash and trim not only match the robe perfectly but are their own pink ribbons!  Mom also sent a lovely pink ribbon kerchief, and I have cute sparkly pink slippers I have been wearing to chemo, so I was all set to be "stylin'" at radiation.  I hadn't worn the kerchief or robe - I was saving them for radiation.  Now I don't have to wait - I can be stylin' in my pink ribbon goodies anytime!

I am excited to breath again, that the stress and fear and anticipation of radiation with all the ramifications that went with it are behind me.  I am looking forward to things being calmer and a bit more normal as we proceed into these next several months.  I'll keep you posted on how things go with Wound Care and anything else that pops up.  AND I hope to be writing more - about whatever God lays on my heart.  

Peacefully pulling the plug on radiation after many conversations with my Good Shepherd,

Sherri

 

Advent 2015: Shepherds = Love

“In the same region there were some shepherds 

staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night.”  
Luke 2:8

“I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me….” John 10:14

I went to 1st grade in a public school in Arkansas.  I memorized my first Bible verses there: The Lord’s Prayer and the 23rd Psalm.  I still love them both.  I memorized both in the King James, so while I loved the beauty and rhythm of the language, there were some phrases in the 23rd Psalm that didn’t make sense to me: “I shall not want,” “Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me,” and “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”  I didn’t understand the idea of “want” (the sentence sounded incomplete to me), how a rod and staff could possibly comfort me (or what they were, for that matter), or what it meant to “prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”  Even at the tender age of six, I wanted to understand what these verses meant. Before we moved from Arkansas to Texas, I was given a beautiful “Big Golden Book” by my Sunday School teachers on the 23rd Psalm.  I was thrilled to learn that it used both story form and pictures to give me the answers I’d been looking for: a good shepherd made sure his sheep had what they needed to survive (so they didn’t “want for” anything they needed); he used his rod (a long club-like stick) to drive away wolves and other animals who tried to get the sheep, and he used his staff (the crooked stick we are all so familiar with) to bring his sheep back in line when they tried to go places they shouldn’t; and when he found pasture for the sheep (the “banquet”), he was extra vigilant if it happened to be near hostile territory - his presence kept the sheep calm even in an area that might be a bit dangerous.  At that time, I was so excited to have learned the concrete meanings behind these phrases that I didn’t go any further in my thinking process for some time.  It wasn’t until college that I remember thinking through these phrases in a more spiritual and figurative sense...

Each week of both the fall and spring semesters, our Baptist Student Union (BSU) group went into downtown Ft. Worth to do missions with elementary age kids who lived there.  In Ft. Worth, this was the closest thing to “the projects” we had.  Looking back, it was probably a lot more dangerous than we realized, but because of our passion to have these kids hear about Jesus, we didn’t think too much about the danger.  We walked to their houses to pick them up, brought them to the downtown mission center, sang songs, told Bible stories, did crafts, and gave them Kool-Aid.  The big deal was the cookies they got when we dropped them off at their homes - it was the bribe we used to be sure they behaved themselves and didn’t run off before we delivered them to their door.  We were always supposed to travel in groups of 2-3 as we picked up and delivered the kids, but one night, after the time change (so, it was really dark as we were taking them home even though it wasn’t that late), we had a situation that required me to deliver one of the kids home alone.  I didn’t think much of it as we traveled to the child’s home, but after I’d delivered him, it suddenly occurred to me that I was a lone, petite, white girl in a predominantly black neighborhood known to be somewhat dangerous - and without my young charge, there was no obvious justification for my being there.  While my BSU group knew I’d taken the child home, they didn’t know exactly where I was.  I began to be afraid.  And I began to recite Psalm 23 aloud.  Suddenly, those phrases that had had only had a concrete meaning took on a whole new connotation: I wanted for (was lacking) peace of mind and heart, so as I recited, I prayed for peace; I was walking through scary territory, so I asked my Shepherd to use His rod and staff to comfort me in those moments, keeping enemies at bay and helping me not to get lost in the dark as I made my way back to the mission; I asked Him to provide that “table” of sustaining calm in this dark area, and to be extra vigilant in watching over me in a potentially dangerous place where I didn’t know who was friend and who was foe.  And my Shepherd was faithful to return this naive sheep back to the “fold” of the mission without incident.  Although I have never been to a sheep ranch, or had any real interaction with sheep to speak of, the metaphorical images of this psalm were not lost on me.  I can’t help thinking that they made even more sense to the shepherds in Jesus’ day.  

Shepherds were not only extremely common in Jesus’ day, they had been common for centuries. Beginning in Genesis 4 with the story of Cain and Abel, we see shepherding as a part of everyday life.  What’s interesting is that many times when shepherds are mentioned in the Bible, something unexpected happens involving the shepherd or shepherdess: a shepherd was the first victim of murder (Genesis 4); a shepherdess found her true love at the sheep well (Genesis 29); a shepherd was called out of the fields to become king of Israel (1 Samuel 16).  So it really shouldn’t come as any surprise that when God decided to make the most spectacular birth announcement of all time, He chose to give that news first to shepherds.  

Imagine it: another normal night in the hills outside Bethlehem.  The shepherds were going about their regular, nightly activities - performing their jobs as they did every night.  Maybe the shepherds were commenting on the great numbers of people who had come into Bethlehem for the census; maybe they were nursing a hurt lamb, anointing its head with the oil of healing they would have always carried; maybe they were reciting some of David’s psalms, including Psalm 23, to one another; certainly they were watching the darkness with rod and staff at the ready in case any enemies should appear or any naive sheep might decide to wander off.  But never would they have expected what God thrust before them that night: first one angel (which was enough to cause them to be “sore afraid”), then a whole multitude of them lighting up the sky and singing praises to God.  

Why would God choose shepherds - common shepherds - to give this glorious news to first?  Shepherds, better than most, knew what it meant to speak a word and have it be trusted and believed - their own sheep knew their voices; when they called, their sheep followed or stopped.  Their voices were able to comfort their sheep like no one else's could.  Their voices were used daily to express their love to their sheep - and their sheep knew that.  The power of the spoken word was something the shepherds knew instinctively and experientially.  So when they heard God’s announcement of the birth in Bethlehem, they recognized His voice and understood His call to them to go find this Baby.  And like their sheep followed them, they obediently followed the call of the Good Shepherd, not stopping until they found the Lamb of God in that manger.  

If the magi represent God’s call of Hope and Light to the foreign, the faraway, the exotic, the shepherds represent God’s Love for the common, the overlooked, the recognizable.  No wonder the second Advent candle represents Love - for centuries, God used the metaphor of the shepherd and his caring love for his sheep to help His people understand His love for them.  Those who understood that metaphor best would have been the shepherds themselves, who lived it out every day.  While these shepherds may not have understood everything that night, they understood enough to spread word about what they’d seen and experienced, “making known the statement which had been told them about this Child.”  Then they left, going back to their fields, “glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and  seen, just as had been told them.”  Their trust in their Good Shepherd was all it took to allow them to be the first ones to lay eyes on the the promised Lamb of God - what a fabulous reward for obedience!

Father, thank You for being my Good Shepherd.  You know me well: I am still a naive sheep too often, wandering into areas better left alone, fighting against the protective safety of Your crook.  Yet I know You love me and want what is best for me.  Thank You for leading me back to Your way no matter how rebellious my heart may be.  Thank You for binding up my wounds, anointing my head with oil, and having such patience with me.  But thank You most of all for sending Your Son to be the Lamb Who would sacrifice everything so that I might be able to hear Your voice.  May I always recognize Your call; may I always rush to be obedient as did the shepherds on that night so long ago.  And may I always leave Your presence glorifying and praising You.

Thankful to be known and loved by the Good Shepherd,

Sherri

Advent 2015: Light, Hope, and a Few Wise Men

“Where is He who has been born King of the Jews?  

For we saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him.”  Matthew 2:2

“I am the Light of the world; 

he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness but will have the Light of life.”  John 8:12

I have always loved the “wise men.”  One of the first Christmas songs I remember learning was “We Three Kings.”  In kindergarten, we put on a play, acting out the birth of Jesus.  I don’t remember a lot about it other than that song (I loved the minor key even then), and that I played the star, complete with a huge foil-covered star adorning a flashlight as my “light.”  Standing on the stage, I was supposed to use it to guide the characters to the place where Jesus lay, but I remember getting into trouble for shining it in people’s faces - handing a five-year-old a flashlight is dangerous!

That light gave me power - the power to split the darkness, both for the audience and for the characters in our play.  Without it, the audience wouldn’t see the characters, and the characters might bump into people in the audience, trip, or stumble into chairs.  The necessity and purpose of that light was clear - it was to be used to illuminate the path the actors were to follow, keeping them from doubt, fear, and confusion as they traversed a crowded room.  In the darkened auditorium, that light was a welcome beacon offering direction to those wee "wise men."

In Matthew 2, we get to meet the real “wise men.”  Matthew calls them “magi from the east,” and most scholars agree that they were part of a group of men specializing in the sciences of their day.  Tradition says there were three because of the number of gifts given to Jesus.  Regardless of their number, these Gentile scientists were wise enough to recognize the Light for what it was: the star of the “King of the Jews.”  In order to follow that star, they had to travel in the dark, using the light of the star to guide them.    

I am amazed at their audacity.  I wonder how many miles the magi traveled; how many sand fleas they encountered; how many bandits they had to fight off; how stale their food got before reaching Jerusalem.  How many things did they have to complain about as they went on this trip?  How long were they gone?  How far did they really travel?  Did they know how long the trip would be when they set out?  None of that seems to matter; any hardships paled in comparison to their overwhelming desire to see this newborn King. They didn’t question whether or not they would be accepted in His court; they didn’t doubt that they would be able to find Him; their wise, scientific minds didn’t create any type of stumbling block.  Instead, their desperation to meet the One behind this Light created in them a willingness to take a leap of faith, leaving behind the comforts of their daily routine, of their established understanding of the world, of the current status quo - all in expectation of finding One worthy of worship.  They were so convinced that they would find Him that they came prepared with “gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”  Long before Jesus spoke the words, “Seek and you will find,” the magi lived out this truth; and God, in His grace and faithfulness, rewarded their search: “After coming into the house, they saw the Child with Mary His mother, and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him.”

The magi, in their quest to find the newborn king, exemplify the Hope represented by the first Advent candle.  In the Greek, the word for “hope” is not wishful thinking - it is an assured certainty, a conviction.  Paul uses this word in Romans 4:16-21 when he speaks of Abraham’s faith, and how God promised to make him a “father of many nations.”  Paul makes the case that those who believe are descendants of Abraham because they have the same hope - the same conviction - he did.  We see this steady hope in the magi.  The appearance of the star each night was their light, giving them direction as they traversed unfamiliar paths in the dark; its steady, reliable beacon kept doubt, fear, and confusion at bay.  Their conviction resulted in their being the first recorded Gentiles to accept Jesus for Who He is. They remind us of the fact that Jesus is available for everyone - no matter their lineage, culture, or IQ.

I love the fact that even as a baby, Jesus was already drawing men to Himself.  From the moment He drew His first human breath, this Infant was already the Light of the world, splitting the darkness to create a path leading the wise right to His doorstep.  Darkness and light - the very first things God created - were also some of the first things He used to introduce His Son to the world and the Life He offered. Jesus is still the Light, and He continues to shine into darkness, offering the only Source of Hope and Life for those wise enough to follow His direction.  

Father, may I be as wise as the magi, not allowing any hardship or inconvenience to keep me from seeking hard after You.  May I never allow the comforts of my status quo to keep me from taking a leap of faith when You illuminate an unexpected path before me.  May Your Light abolish all darkness of confusion, doubt, and fear, rekindling the conviction - the Hope - of Your daily guidance.  Thank You for coming as the Light of the world; thank You for accepting this Gentile into Your kingdom of Light.

Marveling at the grace found in the Hope of His Light,

Sherri

A Late Thanksgiving Note

One of my joys - bread baking!!!

Rising before going in the oven...

I am late getting this posted, but like the pilgrims, I wanted to express something from the past year for which I am thankful.  While I have much to be thankful for, I am very thankful for all of YOU!!  You have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me this past year as I've dealt with my cancer.  Though I'm not thankful for the cancer itself, I am extremely thankful for how God has used it, and continues to use it, to bring me into contact with so many people whom I might not have met otherwise.  He has used this diagnosis to glorify His name, which was one of my main prayer requests when this all started. 

As of now, I am still going to Wound Care once a week.  I didn't go this week due to Thanksgiving, but I have an appointment next week on Thursday.  They are pleased with the progress I am making in healing.  I have my radiation consultation in Albuquerque on Monday.  I hope I'll have at least a few answers after we've spoken with the doc there.

As we prepare for Advent, I am working on writing an Advent devotion for each week.  This is something I used to do each year, and I've missed it.  Truth be told - I've missed writing, period.  I am trying to get these put together in order to post them each Sunday of Advent.  I hope they will bless you as I am already being blessed through what God is teaching me as I write them.  Look for the first one sometime this Sunday.

Until then, I hope you have been able to enjoy time with friends, family, turkey, and pumpkin pie!  I've included a few pictures of the rolls I made this year - they turned out really well, and tasted really good!

Fresh out of the oven and ready to eat :)

"To talk of many things...."

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

from Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll

That bit of nonsense sums up what things have looked like since I last wrote.  Here's what has happened since then:

• Tuesday, Oct. 27: The Santa Fe radiation oncologist got clearance from the Albuquerque radiation oncologist for me to be seen there.  His office faxes all paperwork to them.  He calls to let me know, and told me that if I didn't hear from them by noon Wednesday, I needed to call them.  He doesn't know exactly when radiation will start in Albuquerque, but doesn't expect that it will occur before Monday at the earliest.  So I am able to tell my speech and debate team that I will be able to go to the tournament this weekend - and we are all overjoyed at that news!!
• Wednesday, Oct. 28: By noon, I have not heard from the Albuquerque radiation oncologist, but I can't call since I'm too busy with school stuff.  So, after school, I call.  The receptionist is a bit snippy and tells me that everyone is working on this together - almost a "Don't call us, we'll call you" attitude.  When I tell her that I am only doing what my Santa Fe radiation oncologist told me to do, she softens a bit, but keeps up the attitude as I ask more questions.  I tell her that as a school-teacher, I need to make arrangements, which is the other reason I'm trying to get confirmation for when we will begin.  She softens a bit again and tells me she will write that in the information so the doctor will know.  But her final words are a repetition of "We're all working on this together - Santa Fe, Albuquerque, and the insurance."  So all I can do is leave it at that.
• Thursday, Oct. 29: No phone call, but given her attitude yesterday, I am not calling back....yet.
• Friday, Oct. 30: By noon, still no call.  I am in Albuquerque with my speech/debate team, and while we have a bit of down-time in the hotel, I call the Albuquerque office to find out the status of things.  She is delighted (truly, that's how her voice sounded) to tell me that "we are waiting for your doctor to send us his reason for referral - why he believes you need to be treated here.  Once we have that, we can talk to insurance."  So, I call the Santa Fe office, who are peeved (because my doctor had already sent everything required....).  They tell me that they will resend, and I should expect to hear something by Monday.  They call later that afternoon to confirm that they have sent the required document, but it has been sent snail mail, so they will be in touch Monday once they know that it has been received in the Albuquerque office.  They don't say that it's been sent certified, but given the attitudes (ahem) that have been going on between the two offices, I am guessing that is the reason it wasn't faxed (as it had been previously).  So, I continue with the tournament and put this out of my mind since I can't do anything until Monday anyway.
• Saturday, Oct. 31: Finish the tournament and head home.  Get in about 11:00 p.m.  My affected breast started bothering me sometime in the afternoon, but it felt more like a bruise in the beginning.  I thought maybe I'd hit myself somehow, and didn't give it much more thought.  But on the way home, it has begun to hurt more, and when I discreetly manipulate it (we're on a dark bus), it feels hard.  When I get home, I check, and it is red and warm to the touch.  I call my medical oncologist who sends me to the ER (we don't have Urgent Care in Los Alamos, and our ER is really like an Urgent Care due to the size of the town and the lack of need for much ER service, thankfully - they told me when I got there that I was the only person who'd come in all night).  They check, and agree that something isn't right.  They do a sonogram, and it's clear that it's an abscess.  They tell me that they don't have a surgeon on call at night, but the hospital in Santa Fe does.  They tell me I can either wait in LA until morning or I can head to SF that night and have their surgeon take care of it right away.  Given how fast it seems to have come up, they advise going to SF, and Steve and I agree.  We stop by the house to pick up a few things, then head to SF.  LA has given us paperwork to get us right in, and that is what happens.  I also remember on the way down that the affected breast had started to swell a couple of days before, although I didn't think of it that way at the time, and it didn't hurt or look weird (it just looked perkier).  We do make a point of telling the ER staff in SF this so that it is clear this wasn't something that happened suddenly today.  Their surgeon also does a sonogram, and agrees that it is an abscess; however, due to my cancer, she is uncomfortable doing what she would traditionally do - a needle aspiration - particularly if there is any skin infection.  She calls their on-call general surgeon for a second opinion, and he agrees that the best thing to do is to wait until morning when he will be in and we can do a "real" surgery.  So, I get to spend the night in the ER in SF - and I still wind up having to do the surgery Sunday morning rather than Saturday night.  Steve is given a cot and I'm given a hospital bed; they start my IV so I'm ready for the next morning.  We get to see the time change (something neither of us had ever been up to do before), so we see 1:30 a.m. twice :)  We sleep as well as can be expected when you are in a city ER.
• Sunday, Nov. 1: Sometime early, my medical oncologist stops by to check on me.  She agrees that it looks like more than a skin infection.  She's glad I'll be having surgery, and tells me she'll check on me again Monday.  A bit later, the surgeon comes in to introduce himself.  He tells me there is one other case ahead of mine, and once it is done, I will go in.  He also tells me that he will be sending a sample of tissue and of the liquid to the lab for testing.  He expects that we'll have those results by Wednesday.  Around 10 a.m., they wheel me to the operating prep room.  I meet the OR nurses and anesthesiologist, and the surgeon comes out to check on me.  Not long after, they wheel me in, and I transfer myself from the hospital bed to the operating table (that was pretty weird - I've always been out when I've gone into the OR before).  Not long after, I'm out - as in, I am asleep.  Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the recovery room.  Then they are wheeling me to my room.  I'm still pretty out of it, but our youth pastor has picked up Nate and they are there (I recognize their voices, but can barely keep my eyes open).  They brought Steve supper and me a Frosty (yeah!! - thanks, Ben and Kristin-who-had-to-wait-in-the-car!) since I've been told I can eat whatever I want, and when I had the lumpectomy, the Frosty was what tasted good.  It tastes really good again this time.  We visit for a bit, then Ben and Nate leave.  Steve sticks around a bit longer, but he goes home soon after they leave.  I spend the night in the hospital after contacting all necessary parties at school - my roommates (I share two rooms at school), my staff, and the parents of my students so that they don't panic when I don't walk in the next day.  Steve had already been in contact with the admin secretary while I was in surgery so that she could get a sub lined up for me - the surgeon had told me before I went in that I should take the week off.  I was particularly worried about the kids who had been at the tournament with me - to see me whole and hearty on Saturday and then hear I went to the ER and wouldn't be at school all week - well, if I were in their shoes, I'd wonder and worry.  So I wanted them to hear it straight from me that I was fine, that the tournament didn't cause this, and that they shouldn't worry.  After those emails go out, I go to sleep, and while I sleep better than I did in the ER, I have people coming in to check vitals on a regular basis, and because of the IV, I have to go to the bathroom quite a bit.  So it wasn't a super restful night.
• Monday, Nov. 2: The surgeon's nurse practitioner comes in and asks if I want to go home.  I'm glad to hear that it will be today since they'd told me it could be as late as Wednesday when we talked before surgery.  She leaves to go begin getting the paperwork ready.  While we were talking, the SF radiation oncologist's office calls and leaves a message to let me know they have spoken with the Albuquerque office, and they have confirmed that the letter has been received.  My pastor and one of the youth interns stops by, and brings me a London Fog from Starbucks (thanks, Doug!!).  We visit for a bit, but get interrupted by one of the nurses who needs to get vitals.  After they leave, Steve arrives with my clothes, and we continue to wait for the paperwork to get done.  They've had me on antibiotics all night, and the RN wants me to get in one more dose before I leave, so she puts one more on the IV pole and tells Steve and I to order lunch.  My medical oncologist stops by again, and she says no radiation until this is completely healed....meaning, it will be several weeks, but no one knows what that means specifically yet (more on that in a minute).  She tells me she will make sure the SF radiation oncologist knows so that he can contact the Albuquerque radiation oncologist.  While we wait for the nurse practitioner, a woman comes by to play harp for us.  It is absolutely beautiful!!  We visit with her for a bit, and find out that she is a Believer who uses this as a ministry.  She was taught how to play harp as a ministry by an organization in Montana - and now I know what I want to do when I retire!!  After she leaves, the nurse practitioner shows up with a ton of stuff to show Steve and I how to pack my wound.  I had heard of packing a wound before, but never really thought about the specifics before now - may I say: it is gross!!!  Steve is taught to pack my wound, since she begins the packing but has him do it so she can observe and make sure he does it right.  She makes sure we have an appointment with "wound care" later in the week.  This is the follow-up appointment, rather than coming in to see the surgeon again.  She tells us that they specialize in wound care and they will know much more about how to care for this than the surgeon's office.  I am both amazed and saddened to think that there is a enough business that there can be a business that specializes just in caring for people's wounds.  That appointment is scheduled for Thursday.  I am given enough packing supplies to last until that appointment, a prescription for pain meds, and told to go home and rest.  So other than a stop at the pharmacy, we head home.  
• Tuesday, Nov. 3-Wednesday, Nov. 4: I rest - a lot!!  I spend most of Tuesday sleeping, and then expect to get lots of grading and catching up done on Wednesday.  That doesn't happen - I am still too tired.  So I do very little other than rest (and get my wound repacked each night - the gross factor doesn't improve with repetition).  The radiation oncologist from Albuquerque does call on Tuesday - they apparently had not been called, and were not aware of all that had happened.  They agree that the radiation cannot happen until this is completely healed, so they tell me to call once I am cleared to come and we'll set up the initial consultation appointment.
• Thursday, Nov. 5: We go to the Wound Care clinic in Santa Fe.  They check, and we've done well with our packing.  However, they want us to use less of the packing so that we don't press on healthy tissue and/or prevent the wound from healing.  They give us enough supplies to last until the "box-o-supplies" arrives early next week as well as a wash they want us to use after unpacking and before repacking.  It smells like bleach, but she tells us it has no bleach in it.  We start this process that night.  We are told that we will continue to come down once a week until the wound is healed, and they tell us we can go ahead and make the initial consultation appointment with the radiation oncologist for mid-December with the understanding that we can push it back if needed.  We make our next appointment with Wound Care for next Friday.  They tell me I can go back to school on Monday.  They also have the results of the lab work - the liquid was a bacterial infection, and would not have cleared up with antibiotics alone.  They used the word "staph" but were quick to tell me that "it's not the staph you're thinking of."  Later, they ask if I'd been in contact with anyone who'd been in the hospital or if I'd been to the hospital - so all I can think is, "about that 'not the staph you're thinking of' thing....."  No one knows how this happened,  The best theory anyone has been able to come up with is that there was some kind of cavity (likely small) after the lumpectomy that filled with fluid which then became infected and became the abscess.  I do know that there was a hard lump in that area from almost the beginning; I've had every medical professional I've spoken with to check it - and they all said it was scar tissue.  It may have been, but that's where the abscess occurred.....  The tissue sample came back normal.
• Friday, Nov. 6-today: I rest and do very little.  I worked on school stuff yesterday (because I am going back, and there are some things that must be ready when I arrive).  I feel very behind, but hope that having this Wednesday off for Veteran's Day will help with some catch-up.  It will be good to see the kids again tomorrow, and get back to some semblance of normalcy....although, my "normal" is continuing to look a whole lot like the nonsense of Carroll's rhyme.  

So - a very long entry to let you know how crazy these past two weeks have been.  As things stand now, I have no idea when radiation will start.  If it can start by mid-December, that will still likely put me having radiation into the beginning of the Spring semester in January.  As disappointed as I was to have to deal with having radiation during school this semester, having to deal with it at the end of a semester is much easier than having to deal with it as the beginning of a semester.  I am hopeful that this will heal fully and quickly so that I am able to start radiation sooner rather than later and not have to have radiation once school starts again in January (that's a prayer request!).  But whatever happens, I have the assurance, and reminder, that God is in control.  Here's what I read in my Bible study this morning:

I've been going through Liz Curtis Higgs' wonderful study called It's Good to Be Queen about the Queen of Sheba.  Each week, we've had a phrase starting with "It's Good to Be...." and an adjective to complete that phrase.  The adjectives were pulled from the passage we were studying that week.  The one for today, the last one, was "It's Good to End Well."  And boy, did I need to be reminded of that!!  I have been pushing so hard for this cancer-treatment-stuff to all be over already, and I've questioned the Lord pretty vigorously this past week on "What are you doing??" since I had come to a place of surrender and acceptance with the radiation.  This latest bit of "cabbages and kings" seemed like a lot of nonsense and a bit of a step back.  But in today's study, I was reminded of several things.  Liz had sectioned this chapter off by giving some of the different definitions of what it means to "End Well."  One of those was "Ending Well means Knowing God is in Control."  Two comments were "Peace is knowing the results are in the Lord's hands," and "Each step of my life, I was exactly where I was supposed to be."  I chewed on these two truths: since the results, even of this set-back, are in the Lord's hands, then I can have peace if I choose to rest in that knowledge; I might even redefine this and not call it a set-back if I'm fully trusting that truth.  The key, once again, is in my choice (that refrain is getting old - do you think maybe I'm not listening as well as I thought I was listening?  As a teacher, I know you don't have to get a reteach if  you learn the lesson the first time, so maybe I'm not learning this lesson as well as I thought I was...).  The second statement hit closer to home - I met so many people this past week who were a blessing to me, but for whom I was also able to be a blessing.  I listened to so many stories this past week from people I never would have met otherwise.  All of them proclaimed themselves to be Believers, starting with, "I don't know how you believe, but..." and continuing to tell me their story.  Each had met my Lord, and each had a beautiful story to tell.  But each had an area of doubt they were struggling with, and as I listened, I was able to encourage them as well.  I thought at the time it was odd that they were sharing these things with me - someone they'd just met - but God obviously had a purpose in my being there to listen and to encourage them.  So although I was not happy with having to deal with this at this time, I can see how I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Surrender - that's the overarching lesson God seems to be trying to teach me.  It's a tough one to learn.  Particularly when it sometimes seems as if He is asking me to surrender to things that appear to be nonsense to me.  "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise...." (I Corinthians 1:27).   

I confess to being completely confounded, Lord.  Lately, You've chosen to use a lot of what looks like foolishness to me to bring me to a place of surrender.  But I know that nothing You do is without purpose, so if You need me to talk of cabbages and kings for a while, I'll learn to rest in that.  I surrender all, even my desire to speak of things that make sense.  Your thoughts are higher than mine, and I trust Your purpose, even when talking nonsense.   

Learning, again, to surrender,
Sherri